One thing I have felt bad about when passing judgement on twilight is that I have never seen those films, and am thus passing on second-hand information. Well not anymore, below you will find my tweet stream from watching the entire thing from start to finish. Be warned this film is a painful experience, I recommend a full bottle of Jack Daniels before anyone attempts it:
#T4Twi Oh god, here we go... Pray for me
Before the movie began ther was a warning:
#T4Twi Supernatural themes, now there's a laugh
Bella's opening narration:
#T4Twi " Never given much thought how I will die" I have, it'll probably be watching this film
During Bella's Opening Narration Edward hunts down a deer:
#T4Twi No NOT BAMBI'S MOTHER!!! Have you no shame movie!!!
#T4Twi And this dialogue, why don't we just write on the bottom of the screen, this scene is meant to be awkward and move on
#T4Twi Hey Jacob... CUT YOUR GOD DAMN HAIR
In reference to Kristen Stewerts acting:
#T4Twi Love it, I think she just made Tommy Wiseau look credible
I guessed this in the first 15 minutes of the movie, and shock horror it turned out to be true:
#T4Twi Eric is also the only Asian guy in Forks
In reference to Bella:
#T4Twi Hey Mike.. Why are you hitting on her, she is making cardboard look interesting
Our first meeting with the esteemed Mr Cullen:
#T4Twi Oh dear god, it's Edward. Also Gorgeous? He looks like a Ken Doll on Crack!!
When Edward goes creepy faced in Biology:
#T4Twi Wow, subtle dude, couldn't even tell you are insane or anything
#T4Twi Bella slipping over... Highlight so far
During Bella and Edward's first real conversation:
#T4Twi .... THIS ISN'T COMPELLING IT IS JUST AWKWARD
#T4Twi Yeah it's a bad sign when the film is talking about the weather
#T4Twi It's funny because Vampires are wet and cold... Get it???? We can do comedy we swear!
Why are we talking like this:
#T4Twi Because the writer is a moron thats why
#T4Twi Hey isn't there a science project we could watch them do? It's better than either of them trying to do Drama
The Cullen family stands in the distance:
#T4Twi And the rejects of the Black Parade look forlorn and walk away
#T4Twi Hello, I just came from a GQ Shoot.... You can tell because I can't act either, not that that surprises me
Edward convincing Bella he didn't save her from the truck:
#T4Twi And now you're being a dick... and she's just being subservient... What is wrong with this writer?
Bella talks to one of the normal boys:
#T4Twi Hey that guy has some interest in you... WHY NOT GO FOR HIM???
#T4Twi You just tripped her douche cheese, thats how she fell over. In other news a worm, how exciting!
In reference to the mother never really being on camera:
#T4Twi Who wouldn't be, shes trying to keep as far away from the film as she can, that is the smart thing to do.
#T4Twi Bella telling people to be strong independent Women... I will let the hipocracy settle in with all of you
#T4Twi I think the Flashback effect is one of the cheesiest I've seen in a LOOOOOOONNNGGG!!! Time
As the vampire trio is about to attack the guy in the boat:
#T4Twi A genuinely nice guy singing somewhere on his own.. Count down his inevitable death with me children
One of the other 'Urban Legends' on the Native American site Bella visits:
#T4Twi "Legend of the Slapping Beavers", Why aren't we watching that Legend rather than this stupid one?
#T4Twi Wow from that behind the bush angle, I wonder whether this is supposed to be someone following her?
#T4Twi Hey Bella quick question... Why get in the car with the maniac who turned up out of nowhere, and must be stalking you?
#T4Twi Note to the cats of twilight: ACTING ISN"T YOUR ENEMY IT IS YOUR FRIEND... USE IT!!!!
Why Edward looks the way he does:
#T4Twi On a special diet of only drinking Pixie Blood
Edward says he doesn't have the strength to stay away from Bella:
#T4Twi Yet you have the Strength not to eat her... how does that work?
#T4Twi Oh crap they're trying to do Drama again... Someone save me!!
Charlie gives Bella mace to protect her from the savage human killing 'animal'
#T4Twi There is a savage animal that is ripping people to shreds and draining their blood... and you gave her mace
#T4Twi What is up with this scene, the cameraman is filming like he is drunk
The effects of the Vampires running and doing their supermoves:
#T4Twi By god, that running effect makes UFO's on strings look compelling
#T4Twi Most vampire's melt in the sun, you glow.... Are you gay?
#T4Twi No seriously, he is repulsed by Bella and sparkles in the sun, he is so gay
#T4Twi So we aren't going to kiss her... Call me a slut but... WHY NOT? Oh great lying in a field, we're up to 8 on the cliche-o-meter
The Edward Gay List:
#T4Twi Actually lets list this homosexual points for Edward: 1. He can't stand the smell of bella
#T4Twi 2. He Sparkles
#T4Twi 3. He dresses like he copied it straight out of a magazine
#T4Twi 4. he sparkles
#T4Twi 5. He won't show affection for you
#T4Twi and for 6. ... Oh yhea, He SPARKLES!!!!
Edward not wanting to be a monster:
#T4Twi But you are a monster... THATS THE POINT OF THE ORIGINAL VAMPIRE STORY!!!
#T4Twi Weren't there some evil vampires in this? Can't we go and watch them for a bit? PLEASE!
Bella and Edward jumping through the trees:
#T4Twi Is this supposed to be cute or romantic cause all I can think is "Someone fire this director now please"
#T4Twi "Bella it's Friday night, go out" Reminds me of how sad sitting home tonight and watching Twilight is
Edward's revelation to Bella of what he does at nights:
#T4Twi "I like watching you sleep" RUN AWAY!!!!! THIS ISN"T ROMANTIC. IT IS JUST CREEPY!!!!!
#T4Twi By the way, these changes in camera angle and really distracting, can't you just stop for a second and linger a shot?
#T4Twi and another ad break... we really need a good trailer.. Big Momma 3.... God.. Do you hate me or something??
The baseball Scene:
#T4Twi Seriously if the director wanted to make Music videos then she should have done that rather than making us watch this dribble
#T4Twi Hang on, in the second act of any story you introduce the villain. so it took 1 hour and 50 minutes to get to the second act...
Alice has her psychic vision:
#T4Twi Wait when did Edward tell us Alice was psychic?
#T4Twi Yeah as a kid she had a backbone, wouldn't it be nice if she had that back hmmm?
Edward shows up and attacks James (Evil Vampire)
#T4Twi finally someone showing us they have some balls.. Oh wait it's Edward, I take that back
James bites Bella
#T4Twi and a vampire bite... well it's only taken us, 2.25 hours
The rest of the Cullen's arrive
#T4Twi it's like vampire special forces
Edward removes the venom from Bella:
#T4Twi Umm quick question, why are we letting edward to the venom sucking when he has admitted to having some issues with stopping, when Carlile has shown much better restraint???
#T4Twi you know making Orgasm noises while sucking her wrist isn't exactly impressive.
To cover her injuries they say Bella fell down some staris:
#T4Twi Because you're a clumsy bitch aren't you... seriously they couldn't come up with a better lie?
Bella decides to stay in Forks:
#T4Twi You must be dilusional, why live in Forks. There are crazy monsters there, and apparently you are repulsed by all the decent and sane people. Aside from the SparkleLords what possible reason do you have to stay??
Edward is sad about how his vampirism may kill Bella:
#T4Twi Ow mope mope mope, well I'm glad they won't do this for another 2 films that would be stup... oh wait
#T4Twi and more rehashed scenery. You know you're starting to steal the resetting of the scene from Tommy Wiseau... NOT GOOD!
Jacob talks to Bella:
#T4Twi Hey it's that guy who had next to no part in the film, well see you next film. I look forward to you GETTING A DAMN HAIRCUT!!!
Edward acts like he is going to bite Bella:
#T4Twi Hooray! Do it and spare us 2 more movies
He doesn't:
#T4Twi ... God Damnit!
#T4Twi ... God Damnit!
The final thoughts on this whole thing will be delivered by Reggie and 6 Next Thursday. But I think you can guess how well this will all go down.
Also if people have enjoyed this style of pick-notes than please let me know as I may do some more for other box office floops (Floops: a word for a film that, while not a financial flop was a critical disaster).
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